The Mystery Of The Sandvich Thief
by Daydream Cloud
Summary: Heavy finds that the sandvich he has made and stored safely away in the fridge has disappeared. Who stole it? Together with the Authoress, they hunt for the sneaky culprit.


**AN: It's been a slow day for me. You know, one of those days when you have no inspiration to write. I used all my inspiration to finish up Chapter 2 of _A Spy's Memories_.**

**Then, I got a guest review and decided to write this little oneshot.**

**Thank you, X. :3**

* * *

The Mystery Of The Sandvich Thief

Daydream had been walking idly around the base. When she entered the kitchen, she saw Heavy bent over, his head in the fridge, muttering stuff that she couldn't hear. She snuck behind him.

"Hey!" she said, slapping a hand on his back. He jumped up in surprise, knocking his head against the top of the fridge.

"Ooh, sorry!" Daydream looked at him worriedly. She was always doing things like this that would upset her friends...her friends back home, that is. However, she need not have worried. Heavy would be fine - if he could take a bullet wound, why should he be unable to survive a little bump on the head?

"Is alright, tiny Cloud!" Heavy smiled before a frown quickly took place.

"Uh, what are you looking for?" Daydream asked.

"Heavy's sandvich is missing!" Heavy threw his hands in the air. It reminded Daydream of that part of _Dynamite_ where Taio Cruz sings about throwing your hands in the air but she decided that it was probably not the best time to mention random stuff like that.

"Wait, are you sure you didn't eat it this morning?" she raised an eyebrow. Heavy shook his head frantically.

"No! I remember _very clearly_ that I made sandvich and put it in fridge!" he insisted. He put his head on Daydream's shoulder and wept.

"Waaaa! Waaa! Hoo-waaaa!" Daydream blinked. This was getting _very_ awkward... She patted the Heavy's back.

"Don't cry. Heavy strong, right? Then, don't cry. Only babies cry. You're not a baby," she said, knowing that this would stop him crying at once. He removed his head from her shoulder and got a fierce look on his face.

"You are right! We will find this sandvich robber and crush him together! Tiny Cloud is credit to team!" With that, he marched out of the kitchen and into the hallway.

"Here we go..." muttered Daydream as she was dragged along by one arm.

* * *

"What? What the hell is your guys' _problem_?!" Scout exclaimed as Heavy burst into his room, letting go of Daydream. Daydream really did not appreciate lying on the cold, hard ground and got up. "_Scout probably said 'I eat your sandviches!' too many times to Heavy_," she thought.

"You! Yes, _you_! You are DEAD!" Heavy roared, charging towards Scout. Daydream jumped up.

"Heavy, wait! Woi!" she yelled but her shouts fell on deaf ears.

_THUD!_

Heavy had thrown Scout against the wall.

"Medic! Doc, c'mon man!" Scout raised his voice with each syllable. Daydream stood there, her hand covering her face. This was one of those times when she wished that she could break the No Mary Sues rule and solve the problem with her notebook...

"You! Tell me why you steal Heavy's sandvich!" Heavy demanded, picking Scout up by the neck. Scout looked confused.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, fatcakes," he sneered.

"Tell me now or I will squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you and squeeze you-"

**hl2-dot-exe has stopped working.**

"That only works in videos," Daydream snapped.

Oh, right, sorry. Don't break the fourth wall, Daydream, you're supposed to follow your own rules as the Authoress.

Daydream sighed and was glad when Heavy finally finished his sentence.

"-squeeze you to death!" he said.

"Vhat is going on, _schweinhunds_?" Medic came running into the room with his MediGun.

"This fat, bald, fatty _fat_ fat is trying to kill me!" Scout screamed as Heavy threateningly tightened his grip on Scout's neck.

"Heavy thinks that Scout stole his sandvich. I don't really think it's Scout, 'cause if it was Scout, he'd be mockin' Heavy and callin' him names and gettin' himself killed," Daydream explained, accidentally using her American accent again. She'd always wondered why she sometimes sounded American when she was a _Malay_. Although, it was only her friends at school who said that.

But anyway.

"Not that he isn't already," Daydream added. Medic sighed irritably.

"Heavy, STOP FIGHTING WIZH SCOUT." He didn't exactly yell, he just added some more force to his voice. Heavy stopped as soon as he heard Medic.

"Doktor!"

"Now vill you all calm down?! You are all trying my patience!" Medic snapped.

"Sorry, Doktor, but Scout-" Heavy started to defend himself when Daydream cut in.

"Scout did _not_ steal your sandvich. While it seems that he's the most obvious suspect, I don't really think it's him this time. If he did have the sandvich, he would have waved it in your face, called you names, and made fun of you," she explained, with a raised eyebrow. Heavy was silent for a moment.

"Tiny Cloud is right!" he suddenly said, "But who took my sandvich if it was not leetle baby Scout?"

"Maybe it was...Spy?" Daydream shrugged. She regretted it a moment later.

"Let's go then! We will kill Spy!" Heavy swung a fist in the air, nearly hitting Medic.

"Is-is anybody even paying attention to me? I'm dying over here!" Scout lifted his head up before putting it back on the floor again.

"_Ach_, I vill tend to Scout vhile you two go on finding zhe sandvich," Medic grumbled as he walked over to Scout.

"C'mon, let's go," Daydream said as she walked off, "And this time, no slamming or throwing or squeezing, Heavy."

* * *

Daydream knocked on Spy's door and inwardly squealed when he opened up. She had a crush on him for like, _ever_. Who could not have a crush on someone as bad-ass as him?

"_Oui_?" he asked, his stormy grey eyes alert but kept blinking. Daydream thought he must have been having a nap before they came along. She knew how it was like to be half-asleep and lost in your dreams when you're awake at the same time. She had a lot of experience with that.

But that's another story.

"Umm, Spy..." Daydream rubbed her neck awkwardly. She could never get over the feeling when she was around Spy.

"Did tiny Spy take my sandvich?" Heavy demanded. Spy looked annoyed. "_With him, looking annoyed could mean that it's obvious that he didn't take it. Then again, it could also be that he took the sandvich and is annoyed because we're asking questions over a small thing. Why does he have to be so mysterious..._" Daydream thought.

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Good day," Spy was about to close the door when Heavy grabbed him by the tie and pulled him out.

"Aaaahh! Watch ze tie!" Spy cried out. Daydream discreetly rolled her eyes. She didn't see why Spy was so protective of his clothing. Then again, he was cute when he did that.

"Where. Is. My. Sandvich?" Heavy asked Spy again, glaring at him. Spy stared at him right back. He knew how to stare, all right. He kept glancing at his tie, though. Daydream felt sorry for him.

"Heavy, let go of him. I don't think it's hi-" Daydream stopped abruptly. She had just remembered something.

"Oh my gosh, Heavy, I know who it is!" she said. Heavy looked at her.

"Who is it?"

"It was me!" Daydream had only just remembered how she had decided to try the sandvich that morning. She slowly backed away. Heavy slowly released Spy's tie. Spy quickly caressed his beloved tie.

Then Daydream broke into a run.

"Don't kill me! Don't kill me, don't kill me, don'tkillmedon'tkillmedon'tkillmedon'tkillme..." Daydream's shouts lowered to a mutter as Heavy chased after her.

"I am going to kill you!"

"You can't kill me! My DNA's not connected to the respawn! Or the Life Extender Machine or whatever!"

Spy looked at the running duo with no expression. He took out his cigarette case and lit a new cigarette, in which he proceeded to put into his mouth.

Then he smirked.

* * *

**AN: "Daydream really did not appreciate lying on the cold, hard ground." reminded me of _I Knew You Were Trouble_ by Taylor Swift. XD Well, the chorus, that is.**


End file.
